Not Dead, Just Busy

Here's a quiz result:

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Seeks affectionate, satisfying and harmonious rela..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

They get a lot from a few colors.

Played Some Frisbee Golf Today, Finally

Between the greenhouse super heat and all my discs stuck in my broken down car in Greensburg, it’s been at least a month, maybe more since I’ve been out.

I had a good time playing today. My brother uses three discs now. I don’t know what’s up with that. I just don’t know where his head is at, crazy kid.

I stunk up the place until about the thirteenth hole.

Then I bought a new disc. It’s neon green for the fall. With leaves going, the orange disc’s days are numbered. It would probably work well in snow, too.

Now That My TV Has Died

I really want to watch it. Or I think somehow the cable is out and not the TV; I could put in a DVD and it would be magically healed. Boy, some survival Discovery, BBC or even a crap reality game show could go down great now. If my laptop was newer, I could watch a DVD there, but no, just the CD drive. I knew it was a mistake to upgrade the cable to save six dollars a month. If I hadn’t upgraded, I wouldn’t have turned on the damn thing for another month, thus extending its life. So much for new channel glee. To replace or not to replace.

TVs must die in threes. There were just two small ones in the hall of my building, one for the fourth and one for the third floor. Should have stolen one. Oh well.

Cool Kids and Coping

Someday I might come to terms with the fact that it's not that weird that I occasionally fall into the definition of cool kid. I never wanted (LIE!) I haven't wanted to be one for a long time and now look at me. And for being godless no less!

Thanks to Skepchick.

Somehow, atheism – just like homosexuality, which used to be considered shameful and something to hide – is now becoming hip, sophisticated, enlightened, even a badge of honor."

The quote is from a review of this magazine:



check it out

Favorites

The Little Engine That Could has always been a favorite of mine. I heard about hobo nickels from the Areas of My Expertise by John Hodgman an incredibly funny book by a sometime Daily Show contributor and the PC on the Mac/PC commercials. The audio edition is not to be missed.

Well I didn't realize hobo nickels were real, but here's the combination:




There's a whole gallery of images. Trains seem to be common themes, go figure.

Hot Shit.

Wow, it is hot. I know there’s almost nothing original left to say about this. I sat down on my couch tonight at 10:30 and the surface was hotter than a freshly vacated chair. I started sweating the second the shower stopped and I didn’t stop till the A/C in my car kicked on.

If I move to Cleveland like somebody wants me to, I’ll pick a place that has a better balance of charm and amenities. My place tilts heavily towards charm. Since I never finished unpacking, I rarely entertain. All this charm is a little wasted on me right now.

My brain has swelled up and there’s a backlog of ideas waiting to get out. It’s total gridlock. There’s a half finished post of rage over the doctored Faith Hill Redbook cover released at Jezebel. There’s something about theme songs. Also, reflections on family and the true meaning of friendship after my big reunion trip. Some things too jammed up to articulate right now. It’s so bad, I’m cross posting this crap a couple places to take care of my perceived posting obligations.

Friends shouldn’t keep score. I can’t help it sometimes. I’m tired of doing things just because other people want me to do them. I think I have compartmentalized to a near-dangerous level. I wish/am frightened of the notion that there’s one person to be honest about everything with, no holding back, no sins of omission. Some of the things I haven’t told anybody are not for any special reason. Just habit, fear of lack of interest. Others are fear of judgment. That’s a biggie. I make this way bigger in my head than it is in life. But too many things that I’ve thought were no big deal were totally freaked over by other peeps. So the secrets continue and my jaw continues to deteriorate.

Ice Cream and Memory Holes

My Mom looked at me like I was crazy when I told her I didn’t want to try the ice cream I fetched her on Thursday. I gently reminded her of my lactose intolerance and she said, “Oh, that’s right, I forgot.” She’s said it a hundred times at least and probably will a thousand more.

This time I had a realization. I’m starting to forget there was a time when I enjoyed ice cream and seek it out, even.

I’ve known about the lactose thing for three or four years, but I began avoiding dairy awhile before that. My subconscious keeps way better track of these things than I do.

It was a milkshake on a beautiful day that was my light bulb. I was feeling great. I decided to celebrate by eating something that made me constantly check to make sure I wasn’t getting stabbed in the stomach. Every time I pulled my hand away from my hunched over midsection I was shocked there was no blood.

It doesn’t seem like enough time has passed to have forgotten the pleasures of being a milk drinker. Percentage-wise, it’s totally the bigger part of my life. But the potentially harmful memories are sinking below the accessible surface. Even though I know better than to try to remake these without significant modifications.

Nostalga on the Web - Dating Site Blog

My first entry on the dating site I belong to. Funny to look at it now and think about how things have changed or not.

New Journal | May 28, 2006 4:02pm

So as a new user(and geek), the math of this thing is interesting...especially imposing objectivity. I was bouncing back and forth between conversations with two friends on Friday. One considers me a "Good girl" to the nth degree and the other one is pretty sure that Satan is just my temp while I'm chillin' on Earth. Got dragged thru the emotional coals a little bit. Maybe those two should talk. You tell one person you took a test that said your heart is blacker that Darth Vader's helmet. Guess I should have told two. Amazing how much perspective can change something.

So feel free to comment, strangers especially, and a strange stranger would be awesome. Otherwise, I might forget the cardinal rule of posting.

My current comment on the original post:

Ah, the first entry. From the old days before journal entries would randomly appear on people's homescreens. A comment was rare and it was easy indeed to forget the persistance of this medium.

Do the things that happen, that get dug up on the internets stay on the internets? I have my doubts. I can't wait for the whispers.

I know what my personal ettiequite coach says. Ignore people you know in life. What about when you know they didn't ignore you? They seem to be staying away. Another chance to learn letting go. Awesome. I love pretending stuff never happened. Actually, I suck at it. Real conversation might ensue. this totally no longer belongs here.

say hi. you know who you are. Now I'm super glad I didn't go talk to you last week. Good to know I wasn't supposed to.

Consider This

Funny Disturbing is a category I like to flirt with. I'm normally to heavy handed to pull it off myself. But fortunately I'm not the only person in the world. Aaron McGruder's Boondocks comic was a good example of this when it used to run in the chickenshit rag Enquirer. (I haven't read it much since then.) It was often laugh out loud funny, sometimes smile funny. And if it wasn't funny at all it was about you. This was easier to say on days I was laughing, honestly. But when I didn't think it was funny, I tried to analyze the subject or underlying factors of the comic. And more often than not, it WAS about me or my dearly held beliefs. And after I found the joke, it was a little funny.

This video is very clever. The underpinnings are fairly clear. Some sort of action seems called for. I don't know whether I should laugh, cry, vomit or incite revolution. One of the dangers of blogging is that I could now believe I have taken action.


http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid716758716/bctid1111464757







Enjoy.

I found that little gem at I DO take it personally

Something Amazing!

I knew I voted for him for a reason. That nice Sherrod Brown sent a reply to my letter already.

It was even topical, not reading like a form letter at all.

He's going to take my concerns under advisement if the issue comes up to a vote.

Which means about nothing, but I feel good for someone actually reading it.

Do Something!

Mr. Voinovich,

I know this is currently a House issue, but I would like to call your attention to H.R. 2060, The Internet Radio Equality Act.

This issue may seem trivial, but it sets a precedent for stifling independent sources of media and news with unreasonable entry fees. While you are currently news-worthy as a Senator, imagine returning to private life and the potential impact. Many injustices are only righted by calling attention to them.

Effectively closing off internet radio shuts off one more source of independent information when the majority of sources were already drying up.

To deal with the issue from a sheerly musical stand point: I don't know how much time you're spending in Cincinnati lately, but you can tell how many minutes past the hour it is by what song is playing at the majority of radio stations. This contributes to many fleeing to internet radio.

I have been led to believe that the New America is about equality of opportunity, not necessarily of outcomes. If the terrestrial radio stations are concerned about audience erosion, product improvement would be the place to focus, not eliminating competition.

While I may not be I donor, I have certainly never failed in my duty to vote and remind others to do so.

Thank you for your time.

Kristy


for more information check out woxy.com

The “F-Word” and You.

To some people, the F-word always means fuck. I think most of us hear something else when this phrase is voiced. And I have a theory that we all hear something different.
In the semi-recent performance of True + False at the Fringe Festival, the F-word meant friend. It was a dating story if you couldn’t guess.
When I hear the F-word, I think FREAK, usually announced at full playground volume accompanied by straight-armed finger-pointing.
In these cases, the F-word is associated with things the user doesn’t want to be. That’s what I think everyone hears. Some kind of word related to what they don’t want.
Agree or disagree? What do you hear?

this sounds like fun to me

demand answers from artists!


Radiant Baby composer at NSC next Sunday at 5:15. If I see any of you faceless readers out there, I'll just assume you heard about it someplace else.



Speaking of faceless readers: webpage stats can sometimes tell you more than you wanted to know. How many times did I click over to PFS to check on links and shit? Dunno. Less than that. I think. I'm not too sure though.



Do you know whom I see reading this, Faceless Reader? The Civil War guys from Night at the Museum. I know it's weird, especially considering their lack of eyes, but if you didn't know yet, it's time you knew. I'm kind of strange.



Caught the Hiram Powers exhibit at the Taft. It was great. His faces are so amazingly lifelike, but the eyes are dead empty. Kind of creepy. Those statues might also be readers. There was one smaller room with a lot of busts. I was glad they didn't have legs because I could see them coming alive and hopping after me just as they were. Revenge of the zombie statues. How do you kill marble? Acid rain is awful slow.



Well, nice chatting at you. Feel free to say "Hi" in the comments.

Trans-Justice

Britain's Got Talent. And similar crappy reality shows to us. This group decided to do a take on the Pussy Cat Dolls. ooh, video

The catch is that they're all some manner of trans. (-gender or -vestite) They have good performer names (except for Tony, but that's brilliant in it's own special way) and I'm wicked jealous of Vanilla's sense of irony.

So they have a decent amount of talent for one of these shows and get promoted in the clip. But then they get booted because some of them either are or have been sex workers. I thought the puritans left Britain and came here.

As a trans varietal, your job prospects aren't always that great. But if the side bar ads I see are to be believed, there's a lot of grocery money in sex work for trannies. My hope is that the majority that try this path do not get damaged on it. Either way, assuming the person is also a grown-up and dealing only with adults, I see it as their decision.

I learned about this through this blog, which I've never actually read before. But it was linked from this one, which is one of my favorites.

Speaking varietals, I am a strange manner of fem-nazi it seems. I believe in special privileges. Equal rights are bull shit. Sex can be political, but that doesn't mean I think it should be banned. And, horror of horrors, not all men are evil. Though most have been duped into buying into the system of patriarchy that holds down the little guy, too. Look at Ken Blackwell, waiting to run for Governor until it was his turn. At which point he was so used up there was no way in hell he could win.

Still Creeped Out By The Open Book Thing

Sagittarius Horoscope for week of June 21, 2007

Now that we're almost halfway through 2007, it's time to assess how well you're capitalizing on this year's unique opportunities. So let me ask you a few pointed questions. Have you been reinventing yourself from the ground up at least once a week? Have you been shedding old shticks and learning new tricks? How relentlessly have you committed yourself to the arts of liberation? There's still a lot of time to become even more receptive and responsive to the steady stream of wake-up calls that life is sending your way. For the next six months, you'll have cosmic luck on your side whenever you actively court the fertile blessings of future shock.

www.freewillastrology.com

Still amazes me. Horoscopes are crap. period. Something about this guy, I bought his book. How do they cold read my on the internet? Is it enough I clicked the link? The sign I'm cusping on is also good:

We're almost halfway through 2007. Let's take inventory of how well you're capitalizing on this year's unique opportunities. Are you exorcising the ghosts that have messed with you for so long? Have you been wrapping up all unfinished business and resolving every ambiguous pain-in-the-ass that has sapped your energy? I hope so. By your next birthday, I'm rooting for you to finally graduate from the lessons you've been studying for years. Then you'll be primed and receptive for the fresh teachings that will begin flowing your way in 2008.

Those are my two main projects. The kind of influence each other. One way to re-invent is to let go of old crap. Especially old crap you never needed in the first place.

I like freewillastrology because they are all little poems on living a fulfilling life every week, no lottery numbers necessary.

Not all shits and giggles

So not everything is always happy here. But some people think that's ok. Progress is being made. Baby steps. Here's a video. I'm not where she is, but I'm working on it. I'm not so good at giving stuff away.

Stories behind the vagina stories:
linky linky
Thanks to Feministing for the tip.

Announcement:

New endeavor!

ask me about PFS!

To any Possible New Readers (This part is a repeat.)

Your Existence Frightens Me.
Your Existence Frightens Me.

This was mainly about me leaking crazy like a safety valve. Now I've commented with this identity and I think it linked back here.

Welcome, comment but please don't attempt to have me committed. And maybe everyone in real life doesn't need to know all this if they can't look it up for themselves. No need to mention it's here either.

So yeah, scary.

another new love

A Softer World.
How did they get in my head, too? Sometimes it's awful crowded in there.

Announcement coming soon.

Got Me Pegged

Your Birthdate: December 19

You are resilient, and no doubt your resilience has already been tested. You've had some difficult experiences in your life, but you are wise from them. Having had to grow up quickly, you tend to discount the advice of others. You tend to be a loner, having learned that the only person you can depend on is yourself. Your strength: Well developed stability and confidence Your weakness: Suspicion of others Your power color: Eggplant Your power symbol: Spade Your power month: October

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Now, with only 2 pieces of information about me, this quiz is calling me out as a suspicious bastard.

Guilty, but still. All they've got is my birthday and a willingness to take internet quizzes. It doesn't seem like that should be enough.

And I'm not that untrusting. I believe what people say. And if they're just a friend, I'm with you right up until I walk in on the sixty-nine or whatever.

However, I will be waiting every minute of the day for you to turn out to be a zebra in llama's clothing. Not good, not bad. Just completely different than what's represented.

Miraculous Triumph for Rule of Law

Al-Marri might or might not be a black hat, but a divided panel of the 4th circuit ruled that legal residents can’t be seized as enemy combatants for shits and giggles.

Due process shall commence. Once the government is done appealing the ruling that upholds the Constitution.

This makes me happy. Well, the at worst fleeting victory for justice and rule of law is to be celebrated in my opinion. Charge him or let him go. Do not pick up random people off the streets. Now that you mention it, I would rather die than live in a totalitarian police state. It would only be a matter of time for me in that environment anyways.

Oh, and why did I link a UK paper for an American Government issue? Because whether it’s a tool of the right or left, our media are vapid. Somehow, their papers have more of both t&a and serious news.

Ask me about Profile Fatigue Syndrome – info coming soon.

I Want to Have Your Abortion

"This care worn mother-of-several had a large abdominal mass that I rapidly determined to be a well advanced pregnancy. I asked my resident to come and break the news to this woman; it was very obvious to me that she was not going to be happy about the news of another pregnancy. When told that she - already unable to adequately feed and clothe her family - was again pregnant, she looked up at me and the resident. There we stood, two white males, well clothed, well feed young men with superior educations. We were, in her eyes, stunningly blessed and obviously going places in the world. She began to weep silently. She must have assumed, for good reason, that there was no way that we would understand her problems; she knew also that there was nothing that we could or would do to relieve her lacerating misery.

"Oh God, doctor," she said quietly, "I was hoping it was cancer."

That mother's anguished whisper eventually became a shriek of despair and hopelessness that has reverberated in my heart and mind and soul for over thirty years. Before that moment, forever seared like a brand on my memory, I would have described myself as "Pro-Life" had I then known this political term .

Over the next few years, I was exposed to real life as it is lived by millions of people who don't have the sanctification granted in America to those who are white, male, well educated, well gene-ed, well nurtured, well advantaged. I learned that what this woman knew was a personal tragedy for herself and her family, was only one face in a multifaceted problem confronting thousands of girls and women every day."

Abortion saves. A fetus is a parasite, just like a baby or teenager. Why do we let the cute ones get away with anything?

A WOMAN, ANY WOMAN, IS WORTH MORE THAN A PARASITE.

I hoped it was cancer. Because that is BETTER than a baby(parasite)?


This guy is real. that's amazing to me.
word.

As fucked up as I am, nobody beats the government. This comic has archives well worth pursuing, especially in the vacation irregularity posting era.
Three Pane Soul. Check them out, y'all.




And speaking of fucked up...
Why do I post almost the same exact thing in 3 spots? Where two of them are pseudo anonymous? Maybe I'm tired of games. I wonder if anyone is looking to find.
I shock to discover the one reader, now I'm hungry for more. Should I type the name that will send him an email? So cheap. I know if I told a couple people or commented with this sign on again they would probably jaunt over.

And then I would need to clean up for company. I truly love doing that. Alone together really really got to me. I need to talk about it somewhere. I don't know if I'm ready for a Cuddles post.

Such raw emotions. I admitted to someone once that I had yet to inspire that kind of devotion (installing trash can and bathroom mirror). I have this trick of ph

gotta go. finish later

New Working System

This will be my attempted operating system from now on. There might be some bugs at first. Hopefully it will become easier with practice.

I've told myself this before. If I do it enough, it might stick.



From xkcd, updated 3x a week. But I hoard it to read a big glut on Saturdays. Artificially imposing a more print-like experience on myself. (I do this with most web comics, not just this one.)

Things I Miss (or not)

Strange already to be sleeping in a room by myself.
Welcome and needed.
Unfathomable and almost unaccomplishable. I can't make myself do it. At least not without extreme difficulty.

I need a hug. I don't really want one. The only ones I reasonably foresee will not come with the right strings.

I know I need to eat but it doesn't seem important somehow.

It's kind of too hot for all three of the above anyway. I just took a shower and I'm already sweaty.

Photosucht

1002 down.

So I'll take a picture of anything. And bolts are interesting to me. Minutae rocks!

But my new memory card has been a challenge. 2 gig and the photo counter refuses to budge. 999 photos remaining.

No reason to delete the pictures that the camera has declared blurry. No reason to redevelop any kind of fire discipline.

Often the blurry-warning pix look fine on the laptop anyways.

I've been taking extra shots for a project and to try to force the counter to budge. Last night I transfered to my laptop and I've only used 630 meg. at my highest resolution. I don't think I took near enough today to beat it. I've kind of slowed down in defeat and the museum of the day didn't allow photography. And the church was closed in the afternoon. And the rain started as we looked at the outside so I didn't take as many as I might have.

But I still got in a few. For the amount of time I've been on vacation, 1002 is obscene. And it's not quite over.

Urgent Starbucks Update

In the interests of fair and balanced reporting (read: further bashing) your intrepid reporter checked on the prices of coffee in this fine establishment. They seem to be fairly high, in line with the coffee shops at high end department stores. The soy milk was .40 (in pence) or approx .80 american at this point in time. Hot chocolate was 2.55 sterling for a small. This is definately more expensive than the other places that I've looked or stopped at. Especially once you and my muched loved carmel syrup (30 p).

In comparision, my lunch today was a largish burger, fries and a pint of cider. I had to pay .60 extra for the cheese. But the original package was 4.99. And the alcohol beverage choice seemed to be encouraged over soda. But there were 11 to choose from, all full size. And I was definitely more than twice as full than drinking a hot chocolate. And the place was called Sheakespeare's Head. Maybe I've consumed inspiration or tiny brain particles, which would be totally sweet.

(It's vacation, why not drink at lunch? Now I remember why I liked being a lush but I didn't get a buzz from the cider. For the record, Pucca was the one walking into doors last night, not me.)

There's two good, nicely-priced ready to eat chains around town, EAT and PRET. Mostly soups, sandwiches, salads and wraps with a couple other things thrown in. They are both soy-locations. Eat has flavored syrupsfor coffee but no bathrooms and closes earlier. Pret is the opposite. The food is good in both and a good alternative to 10 pound lunches when you don't see a package deal.

I'm attemping a second cheese-tomato-free day today. I've had it in sandwiches and or salads every day but one so far. It gets old with me even though the type of cheese changes. A new variant is the mozzarella, roma tomato, avacado salad which I'll admit is quite tasty.

Can you tell I'm getting hungry?

Loving London

Fuck is it ever expensive.
Big city+shit dollar = counting tuppence the rest of the trip.

pick pockets are real.

the poker books are right that some times the shaking hands stress response comes only after the stressor is gone and the big decision has been made.

I miss readily available soy milk. I didn't realize that until it's not around. Really lattes are too expensive anyways. Other prices have gone up so much coke is a reasonable beverage choice now.

dublin feels different than belfast than london.

open top bus tours on rainy days are good for hair curling. better than a perm even.

the coutard collection is like walking through an art history text book. Major super-famous impressionist and post paintings. Plus my sweethearts Muenter and Kandinsky. Only one Munter, though. Cought a gallery talk about K-dog. Quite good.

The traditional pub and curry was quite fun. when you order a bottle of wine to share with someone, you should make sure they actually want it so you don't have to drink the whole bloody thing by yourself. I forget cider is readily available here and I could have just had that. it probably would have been a 40, though and that would have been wourse than wine. I did count glasses of water correctly to wake up with no head ache even if I can't hold the liquor as well. Sorry Tim, Pucca, et al. I did do fairly well for an entire bottle of wine.

The trains have been interesting.

Note: If a train is crowded enough to de-classify several cars of first-class, when you get there it won't be very nice. And they won't give you free drinks.

Note 2: I am now old. One of the two 11-13 year old girls at the table with us on the trainleft a book when she got off. We said "hey, your book!" but she didn't turn. Finally the thing she heard was my loud "Miss, your book!" And when she came back I got the silent thank you that was mostly air, not voice. It looked like a library book, expensive to lose. I officially announced That I was old now and a few people sitting around laughed. I can't believe I said "miss".

Comic Love and Ballet

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

I'm in love with these guys.
This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Especially because I sat through a bunch of ballet last night where it was really important for the men to not even accidentally touch each other. And the music was off, but that's another story.

It seems like two men dancing together could do some cool ass acrobatics. There was a tiny bit for 4 seconds. Out of TWO and a HALF HOURS. very heteronormative.

I'm just sayin'

When the next Art Spiegelman draws the new Maus for the post Iraq War War era,
the Americans will not be puppy dogs!
Infer from this whatever you wish, but I'm just sayin'.

I feel like I could be the everyday German allowing Nazi atrocities to perpetuate themselves. But hey, Bush did great things for the economy. Or at least the war machine. Which I'm benefiting from. No wonder I'm frequently nauseous.

Still Fucked in the Head or When Is an Invitation Not an Invitation

Hung out with my brother on Friday night. Had a good time. He mentioned some family activity that was taking place on Saturday. I was surprised by it's existence; gladdened by prior plan alibi; relieved the mention wasn't an official invitation.

Later Mom called my brother. "I guess you can invite her now that it was mentioned in front of her." That's not what she said, but exactly what she meant. What the fuck? I do not deserve that sort of treatment, even from family.

There's one person who is especially hermetic in our old school gaming friends. I was talked to about a regular Tuesday outing/activity involving this person. And told I should get in on it. Sometimes bowling or I have chores, but I got a bug up my but and called the organizer as I got off work last Tues. They were making arrangements to go to batting cages at 6. It was 5. I was a 1/2 hour from home and 1/2 hour from the cages. Work clothes aren't really that nice, but my style of steel toe is all wrong.
"just come when you can." He said he just got home, but I think he knew about the batting cages before 5. Monday would have been best.

I got there about forty minutes late. I was almost there when it occurred to me I probably wasn't supposed to go. It has a shit day at work and my Mom kept calling me about tax stuff. It totally felt good to hit stuff. The feeling of not being wanted made it hard to talk normally. I didn't get it from everybody. And maybe I'm partly imagining it. Some of it is definitely there. I might have left, but I bought too many tokens.

Dinner after sucked. Food and attempts at conversation. Then after they wanted ice cream and magick. Two things I love. Maybe if I ate the cards and played with the ice cream.

The maybe I wasn't supposed to go was made especially clear when I called tonight, a Tuesday. First attempt, line busy. Second attempt, organizer, in a short tone of voice, what's up etc. no invitation. I didn't actually want to do anything, just propose an activity for next week. No Matter, either way.

It's so strange to feel so far apart from people who are kind of used to be your best friends. I didn't think I was ever theirs, something that's even clearer now. I don't/didn't like to think about it though. I think they kept me around so they wouldn't fight so much. Or to have someone to hang out with if they didn't happen to feel like leaving the city.

I think the feeling is so much worse now because I'm also around people who do not do this. Are, in fact, surprised and offended by this. Maybe someday I could be surrounded by people such that I can take the opposite feeling (not the people) for granted.

If you don't want me to go somewhere, just fucking tell me. Done.

Best Part of the Library

The Areas of My Expertise, audiobook by John Hodgman, read by the author.

If you have a TV you know who this guy is. He's a PC. And I like him better than that smarmy MAC. I went to THREE different bookstores to track down a Psychology Today magazine because an article he wrote appeared in it.

The book has introduced me to the secret lives of actuaries and for that I'll be forever grateful.

I’ve finally made peace with the library...

It’s been three or four years. A couple of my friends have thought it strange that such a noted book junkie was effectively banned from the library but, as always, there’s a story.

I was still co-oping and working with a jerk in the design group. The Bill Bennett gambling scandal had just broken and I got into a discussion about it. (This was before I had developed most of my better work judgment.) I thought it was quite funny that a self-proclaimed paragon of virtue was outed as such a large gambler, which in the traditional frame of reference, used to be a vice.

The other dude did not see it that way and had no problems with gambling. Or the spending of millions of family assets without his wife’s knowledge. But at any rate, I agreed to read a Bennett book as a result of the argument.

I checked one out of the library. No way was I spending money on that shit. I got about halfway through the book before I couldn’t take it anymore.

I was late returning it. At first I told myself I would finish the book after all. And then, I kept thinking that other people might read this book and believe this horseshit. So I kept it. I didn’t pay for it right away because I was worried they would buy another copy of the same book.

In a while I realized that this episode make me a censor as well. Just one book, but in a tangible way, I’m no better than that which I hate.

But now I’ve finally paid for it and gotten a new card. It feels good.

I dunno

I woke up crying on Monday. It was near the end of a very strange dream. Very disconcerting and it took me a little while to stop. I don’t think I have anything going on to cause such a thing in real life. They’re a couple things I’m bummed about. However, there are also things I’m psyched about.

Before the sad events of the dream I was at CVG with Handy and Shep. There was a vending machine similar to the smartkart dealio. Except it sold “Scoot-A-Longs” for business people. There was a small track for testing before you bought and it was possible to ship’s mast the side of this thing. I had a lot of fun doing it and Shep and Handy thought it was really funny.

And then I met Caroline Rhea on my plane. We talked and had a great personal touching moment. And then I discovered that Steven Colbert had packed my camera in his checked bags and I couldn’t take a picture with her. He was a dick about it too. So I started crying and the alarm went off.

What the FUCK, man? This is without any drugs, even. On Monday the kind doctor gave me some. Felt great when I woke up Tuesday. In some ways, that was as strange as the crying.

So I like having new friends. My calendar just exploded. I would still like to date someone now and then. Maybe a nice fanboy at David Mack. I will try not to scare him, whoever he might be.

Indifference

So I said I could like him (fall, even), but I think I could hate him, too. I talk to him and I know he likes me. The alternate male conspiracy I suspected seems to have existed in more than my mind. And the beneficiary isn’t taking any action. I don’t know how easy I want to make it. Maybe I’m bitter because the female conspiracy didn’t work. But I did the hard work and asked (someone else) before very long. Do I want someone who’s not willing to put themselves out there? How scary is it? Very, I know. Take a leap mother fucker. Gotta bet to win.

Have you found this? Do you know I'm talking about you? Timing is everything and windows don't stay open forever.

Has anyone read this? I don't have any site trackers for a reason. If someone reads, please say Hi. (Even anonymous is cool.)

Thoughts and Jokes or Not

At the end of January/beginning of February I had a to admit to myself that I had a fairly serious bout of depression.

I made some jokes about suicide at work and my boss got this scared, freaked out look in his eye. Later I realized exactly what I said and why, in many ways, it wasn't that funny.

Later than that, I realized that the jokes were less jokes than I thought. I was thinking about suicide ALL the TIME. I couldn't stop.

I mentioned the jokes to one person, presented as jokes. I think they knew I was having troubles, but not the seriousness. I have trouble confessing this, because my Dad was committed once and I don't exactly know why. I worry it was something like this.

I ended up going out a lot. Talking to alot of people. Just about stuff in general. It really helped my out. I share some of my feelings on some topics and don't feel so alone.

I even asked out the boy(man? I feel at an awkward age for this) I liked. He wasn't interested, but I tried and now I can stop harboring a useless crush and try other avenues. It's better to know.

I realized today, reading another blog, I feel really good now. I'm out of the woods, at least for now. I'm worried about this other person, though. I don't know them that well, but they seem to be coming unglued. I hope that I didn't contribute to this. There was some small interaction that could have had an effect. I don't think it would have touched all this off though.

People should have warning labels if they are that unstable. I usually show it in my eyes. Somehow, it makes me more attractive to the opposite sex as well.

Movies from Books, Children of Men

I rarely like the movies made from books I've read. Starship Troopers made me cry. Really. I haven't seen the Narnia adaptation and I probably won't. When I heard V for Vendetta was coming out, I went out and didn't reread it. I like to be as vague as possible on the text source when I see the movie. I'm leaving Stardust on the shelf for now.

I really enjoyed Children of Men. Great movie, interesting philosophical implications, yummy Clive Owen. (I might as well stoop.) So, movie safely enjoyed, I began seeking out the book. I heard they didn't even do a movie edition the promotion for the movie sucked so much. I figured PD James was a big enough author that the book would be easy to find anyways. Two months later, I saw a movie copy and snapped it up. CO cover. I generally disdain movie covers because it makes me feel like a band wagon jumper, but the Viggo Mortensen cover of Return of the King enlightened me on some of the benefits.

The book is enjoyable, but radically different from the movie. There are characters with the same names, no kids and it's still England. I'm so glad I didn't read this book first.

Possibly as a part of learning to accept change gracefully, I could accept wildly different movie adaptations. As Orson Scott Card says, the movie doesn't kill the book. The book is still there, waiting for you when you get home.

Frequently, they cut out bits that I love. I know that I'm strange and my tastes aren't mainstream. When I go to a special art exhibit, my favorite paintings aren't among the post card selections. Or posters, notecards, magnets and other crap.

I think I get so resentful because of the reminder that I'm not marketable. Generally, I actively encourage this, or it at least occurs naturally. But it's occasionally painful to have my face ground in it.

There are benefits for playing by society's rules and penalties for not. But most of the time I like to pretend it's not a game.

To My Possible Readers

Your Existence Frightens Me.

This was mainly about me leaking crazy like a safety valve. Now I've commented with this identity and I think it linked back here.

Welcome, comment but please don't attempt to have me committed. And maybe everyone in real life doesn't need to know all this if they can't look it up for themselves. No need to mention it's here either.

So yeah, scary.

Addendum

Alternate theory on over-earnestness of artist:

Being a college professor, dumbing down has become second nature and so internalized he can't not. Hence the eagerness.

But seriously, I still think this guy should have heard of chemistry and that different chemicals have different properties, like texture.

And I'm sorry I ever scoffed at the possibility of an art career, little bro. Dude, you should totally quit changing passwords and go for it.

Dad shit still stirred up. Further examination reveals a problem is that there isn't a woman shaped hole for this person in my life. I thought if I could become a person who refers to their parents by first names, then I could transition to new pronouns. It is way harder than I thought to do that. If that person isn't my dad, who is [] to me?

Being a Brief Review of Recent Art Experiences

Gompers - Know Theatre

Very Intense. As the director's notes said, I did know these people. Intimately. Some of the character interactions brought to mind the family irregularity that I gloss over and ignore. There are some gay relationships in the play and they (the relationships) don't necessarily make the characters happy. [This is about all I can saw without total spoilers.] Which is what the the play is about, but. So the first act was cool and darkly hilarious. Foreshadowing was willfully ignored.

Second act - the threads in the duct tape do not have anymore to give. as the characters and the town fall apart, so do I. one ex found it supremely creepy that I can cry and laugh at the same time. good thing I was at the play alone. but not really, because it brought out something that's been kicking around in the back of my head for a long time, hiding underneath just enough stuff I can pretend it's not there.

My Dad had gender reassignment surgery a few years ago. I, we, still talk, but it's been a long time since we have visited in person. You could say I haven't adjusted well. I don't even know what to call him most of the time now. It's exhausting to remember 2nd person constantly. Unfortunately, the transition was also rough for Kelley. Classic plastic surgery mistake. Your like isn't magically shiny, happy and perfect once you make a change. So my Dad is pretty depressed most of the time and I'm really fucking pissed off she isn't happy. I leave the grammar of that sentence to others. At any rate, sometimes I wonder if I will get a phone call asking me to claim personal effects due to suicide. But I had never fully articulated that thought before seeing Gompers.

So Jay, I'm sorry, I was the crying girl at the pay what you can night. I couldn't stop and it seem like too much to explain to someone I barely know to say hi to at a party. It wasn't because the play sucked. It was too good and too personal. I kind of wish the play sucked or the actors were less... less. I'll try again for Hamlet. Usually I get antsy and bored. Maybe I'll snore.

Weston Art Gallery -
Renovated Flightless Devices, Please Tie Me Down, Working Groups

The flightless devices were neat. Unfinished looking, with string. Like they were in process or almost ready for action.

Please Tie Me Down I didn’t quite get. There was something there, I could feel it, but no connection was made. I think this is part of why I prefer museums with a little card that attempt to explain what is going on. The artist was there, it was an opening, but I wasn’t up to talking to strangers. And being a presumptuous fuck. “I don’t get it. Please explain.” I could have phrased it better, but not really. Not up to the social task.

Working Groups. I used to doodle and sketch while hanging out with friends. One of them taunted me unmercifully for drawing like this. I think it is my engineer soul. And in the flyer about the show it talked about how he identified with craftsmen. Seriously? Not to crack on the gut, he seemed very earnest. His stuff was awfully expensive, though. I understand more now why my Mom snatched one of the paintings I did in the watercolor class we took and had it framed. I was kind of pissed. I guess it could be art.

I think the fundamental difference between someone who doodles and sketches and an artist is a willingness to stand up and say “this is art.” In a firm declarative sentence. Something I’ve never been willing to do. Although I thing some of my photos are quite good. And I aspire to write.

The Dance piece Scratch and Burn was quite good. More political than I expected. In the opening segment, the one dancer’s movements were quite porcine. [true, but I just relish the opportunity to use the word.] Some of the character changes were hard to follow. The moves were incredible. The music was good. Shocking bit of nudity at the end. Nice little present. Thanks eta. There’s no way I would have gone with out the special event.

Periods of brief dissatisfaction

So sometimes I want people (my friends) to be a little different, reach a little farther out of their box. This happens so infrequently; it's a ridiculous desire. Lately, I've been more bent when it doesn't happen.

I live in a central neighborhood and most of my friends live on the insular West Side. I'm tired of driving over there. And I don't care if I "live closer now." It was faster before. And it's the principle of the thing really. Why do I always have to drive? Delfair lanes suck. Balls kept getting stuck, not just the blue one, the orange ones, too.

I miss the opportunity for conversation too.
Maybe the next time we're in the same room we'll talk about something real. Or not. Strange how it never comes up. I thought my chance was going to come with one of them at least. He promised. I think I will just pay someone to talk to me. Listen actually.

I'm so lonely. Is there a lonelygirl^15. exponential humor. that couldn't be contributing?

Well, I've been sucked in...

My first blog.
All the cool kids stopped doing it?
I want to pretend I'm not talking to myself.
I should really be working on a resume?

It is what it is.
- words of eternal wisdom