Indifference

So I said I could like him (fall, even), but I think I could hate him, too. I talk to him and I know he likes me. The alternate male conspiracy I suspected seems to have existed in more than my mind. And the beneficiary isn’t taking any action. I don’t know how easy I want to make it. Maybe I’m bitter because the female conspiracy didn’t work. But I did the hard work and asked (someone else) before very long. Do I want someone who’s not willing to put themselves out there? How scary is it? Very, I know. Take a leap mother fucker. Gotta bet to win.

Have you found this? Do you know I'm talking about you? Timing is everything and windows don't stay open forever.

Has anyone read this? I don't have any site trackers for a reason. If someone reads, please say Hi. (Even anonymous is cool.)

Thoughts and Jokes or Not

At the end of January/beginning of February I had a to admit to myself that I had a fairly serious bout of depression.

I made some jokes about suicide at work and my boss got this scared, freaked out look in his eye. Later I realized exactly what I said and why, in many ways, it wasn't that funny.

Later than that, I realized that the jokes were less jokes than I thought. I was thinking about suicide ALL the TIME. I couldn't stop.

I mentioned the jokes to one person, presented as jokes. I think they knew I was having troubles, but not the seriousness. I have trouble confessing this, because my Dad was committed once and I don't exactly know why. I worry it was something like this.

I ended up going out a lot. Talking to alot of people. Just about stuff in general. It really helped my out. I share some of my feelings on some topics and don't feel so alone.

I even asked out the boy(man? I feel at an awkward age for this) I liked. He wasn't interested, but I tried and now I can stop harboring a useless crush and try other avenues. It's better to know.

I realized today, reading another blog, I feel really good now. I'm out of the woods, at least for now. I'm worried about this other person, though. I don't know them that well, but they seem to be coming unglued. I hope that I didn't contribute to this. There was some small interaction that could have had an effect. I don't think it would have touched all this off though.

People should have warning labels if they are that unstable. I usually show it in my eyes. Somehow, it makes me more attractive to the opposite sex as well.

Movies from Books, Children of Men

I rarely like the movies made from books I've read. Starship Troopers made me cry. Really. I haven't seen the Narnia adaptation and I probably won't. When I heard V for Vendetta was coming out, I went out and didn't reread it. I like to be as vague as possible on the text source when I see the movie. I'm leaving Stardust on the shelf for now.

I really enjoyed Children of Men. Great movie, interesting philosophical implications, yummy Clive Owen. (I might as well stoop.) So, movie safely enjoyed, I began seeking out the book. I heard they didn't even do a movie edition the promotion for the movie sucked so much. I figured PD James was a big enough author that the book would be easy to find anyways. Two months later, I saw a movie copy and snapped it up. CO cover. I generally disdain movie covers because it makes me feel like a band wagon jumper, but the Viggo Mortensen cover of Return of the King enlightened me on some of the benefits.

The book is enjoyable, but radically different from the movie. There are characters with the same names, no kids and it's still England. I'm so glad I didn't read this book first.

Possibly as a part of learning to accept change gracefully, I could accept wildly different movie adaptations. As Orson Scott Card says, the movie doesn't kill the book. The book is still there, waiting for you when you get home.

Frequently, they cut out bits that I love. I know that I'm strange and my tastes aren't mainstream. When I go to a special art exhibit, my favorite paintings aren't among the post card selections. Or posters, notecards, magnets and other crap.

I think I get so resentful because of the reminder that I'm not marketable. Generally, I actively encourage this, or it at least occurs naturally. But it's occasionally painful to have my face ground in it.

There are benefits for playing by society's rules and penalties for not. But most of the time I like to pretend it's not a game.