Still Fucked in the Head or When Is an Invitation Not an Invitation

Hung out with my brother on Friday night. Had a good time. He mentioned some family activity that was taking place on Saturday. I was surprised by it's existence; gladdened by prior plan alibi; relieved the mention wasn't an official invitation.

Later Mom called my brother. "I guess you can invite her now that it was mentioned in front of her." That's not what she said, but exactly what she meant. What the fuck? I do not deserve that sort of treatment, even from family.

There's one person who is especially hermetic in our old school gaming friends. I was talked to about a regular Tuesday outing/activity involving this person. And told I should get in on it. Sometimes bowling or I have chores, but I got a bug up my but and called the organizer as I got off work last Tues. They were making arrangements to go to batting cages at 6. It was 5. I was a 1/2 hour from home and 1/2 hour from the cages. Work clothes aren't really that nice, but my style of steel toe is all wrong.
"just come when you can." He said he just got home, but I think he knew about the batting cages before 5. Monday would have been best.

I got there about forty minutes late. I was almost there when it occurred to me I probably wasn't supposed to go. It has a shit day at work and my Mom kept calling me about tax stuff. It totally felt good to hit stuff. The feeling of not being wanted made it hard to talk normally. I didn't get it from everybody. And maybe I'm partly imagining it. Some of it is definitely there. I might have left, but I bought too many tokens.

Dinner after sucked. Food and attempts at conversation. Then after they wanted ice cream and magick. Two things I love. Maybe if I ate the cards and played with the ice cream.

The maybe I wasn't supposed to go was made especially clear when I called tonight, a Tuesday. First attempt, line busy. Second attempt, organizer, in a short tone of voice, what's up etc. no invitation. I didn't actually want to do anything, just propose an activity for next week. No Matter, either way.

It's so strange to feel so far apart from people who are kind of used to be your best friends. I didn't think I was ever theirs, something that's even clearer now. I don't/didn't like to think about it though. I think they kept me around so they wouldn't fight so much. Or to have someone to hang out with if they didn't happen to feel like leaving the city.

I think the feeling is so much worse now because I'm also around people who do not do this. Are, in fact, surprised and offended by this. Maybe someday I could be surrounded by people such that I can take the opposite feeling (not the people) for granted.

If you don't want me to go somewhere, just fucking tell me. Done.

Best Part of the Library

The Areas of My Expertise, audiobook by John Hodgman, read by the author.

If you have a TV you know who this guy is. He's a PC. And I like him better than that smarmy MAC. I went to THREE different bookstores to track down a Psychology Today magazine because an article he wrote appeared in it.

The book has introduced me to the secret lives of actuaries and for that I'll be forever grateful.

I’ve finally made peace with the library...

It’s been three or four years. A couple of my friends have thought it strange that such a noted book junkie was effectively banned from the library but, as always, there’s a story.

I was still co-oping and working with a jerk in the design group. The Bill Bennett gambling scandal had just broken and I got into a discussion about it. (This was before I had developed most of my better work judgment.) I thought it was quite funny that a self-proclaimed paragon of virtue was outed as such a large gambler, which in the traditional frame of reference, used to be a vice.

The other dude did not see it that way and had no problems with gambling. Or the spending of millions of family assets without his wife’s knowledge. But at any rate, I agreed to read a Bennett book as a result of the argument.

I checked one out of the library. No way was I spending money on that shit. I got about halfway through the book before I couldn’t take it anymore.

I was late returning it. At first I told myself I would finish the book after all. And then, I kept thinking that other people might read this book and believe this horseshit. So I kept it. I didn’t pay for it right away because I was worried they would buy another copy of the same book.

In a while I realized that this episode make me a censor as well. Just one book, but in a tangible way, I’m no better than that which I hate.

But now I’ve finally paid for it and gotten a new card. It feels good.

I dunno

I woke up crying on Monday. It was near the end of a very strange dream. Very disconcerting and it took me a little while to stop. I don’t think I have anything going on to cause such a thing in real life. They’re a couple things I’m bummed about. However, there are also things I’m psyched about.

Before the sad events of the dream I was at CVG with Handy and Shep. There was a vending machine similar to the smartkart dealio. Except it sold “Scoot-A-Longs” for business people. There was a small track for testing before you bought and it was possible to ship’s mast the side of this thing. I had a lot of fun doing it and Shep and Handy thought it was really funny.

And then I met Caroline Rhea on my plane. We talked and had a great personal touching moment. And then I discovered that Steven Colbert had packed my camera in his checked bags and I couldn’t take a picture with her. He was a dick about it too. So I started crying and the alarm went off.

What the FUCK, man? This is without any drugs, even. On Monday the kind doctor gave me some. Felt great when I woke up Tuesday. In some ways, that was as strange as the crying.

So I like having new friends. My calendar just exploded. I would still like to date someone now and then. Maybe a nice fanboy at David Mack. I will try not to scare him, whoever he might be.