Hung out with my brother on Friday night. Had a good time. He mentioned some family activity that was taking place on Saturday. I was surprised by it's existence; gladdened by prior plan alibi; relieved the mention wasn't an official invitation.
Later Mom called my brother. "I guess you can invite her now that it was mentioned in front of her." That's not what she said, but exactly what she meant. What the fuck? I do not deserve that sort of treatment, even from family.
There's one person who is especially hermetic in our old school gaming friends. I was talked to about a regular Tuesday outing/activity involving this person. And told I should get in on it. Sometimes bowling or I have chores, but I got a bug up my but and called the organizer as I got off work last Tues. They were making arrangements to go to batting cages at 6. It was 5. I was a 1/2 hour from home and 1/2 hour from the cages. Work clothes aren't really that nice, but my style of steel toe is all wrong.
"just come when you can." He said he just got home, but I think he knew about the batting cages before 5. Monday would have been best.
I got there about forty minutes late. I was almost there when it occurred to me I probably wasn't supposed to go. It has a shit day at work and my Mom kept calling me about tax stuff. It totally felt good to hit stuff. The feeling of not being wanted made it hard to talk normally. I didn't get it from everybody. And maybe I'm partly imagining it. Some of it is definitely there. I might have left, but I bought too many tokens.
Dinner after sucked. Food and attempts at conversation. Then after they wanted ice cream and magick. Two things I love. Maybe if I ate the cards and played with the ice cream.
The maybe I wasn't supposed to go was made especially clear when I called tonight, a Tuesday. First attempt, line busy. Second attempt, organizer, in a short tone of voice, what's up etc. no invitation. I didn't actually want to do anything, just propose an activity for next week. No Matter, either way.
It's so strange to feel so far apart from people who are kind of used to be your best friends. I didn't think I was ever theirs, something that's even clearer now. I don't/didn't like to think about it though. I think they kept me around so they wouldn't fight so much. Or to have someone to hang out with if they didn't happen to feel like leaving the city.
I think the feeling is so much worse now because I'm also around people who do not do this. Are, in fact, surprised and offended by this. Maybe someday I could be surrounded by people such that I can take the opposite feeling (not the people) for granted.
If you don't want me to go somewhere, just fucking tell me. Done.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment